Dear Donald J. Trump,
Congratulations on winning the presidency. It’s quite the accomplishment. Who am I? I’m what you call a straight white cis male. You know the type. A lot of us got you elected. I didn’t vote for you. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to vote for you because I know what you cherish and what you fear. You have some interesting values, Mr. Trump. You value power more than anything else. Conversely, you fear anyone more powerful than you are. Here’s why I didn’t vote for you: Your values and your fears make you weak. I know how to tear you down. Many of us do; so, I’m holding your power hostage. I’m making five demands from you. I want these five things done or else by popular revolution, impeachment, or by plain voting, I will see to it that your power evaporates.
1. Own up to your populist reputation. Throw the bankers that tanked the American economy in prison. I don’t care what it takes. Put. The. Criminals. In. Prison. Consider this your litmus test. If you can put these people in prison, you can prove to us that you are one of us. If you fail you prove to us that you are no different: that you are them and not us. While you’re at it, tear down any and all economic powerhouses “too big to fail.” Destroy the establishment. Like. You. Promised.
2. Make America safe again. Arm repressed communities. Proliferate firearms and firearm training among black communities, homosexual communities, trans communities, Latinx communities, women from all walks of life. Do you want to stand up for us? Give us the means to defend ourselves. I’d like to see a rapist attack a well-trained and well-armed woman. I’d like to see an attacker overcome a well-trained and well-armed trans person. I’d like to see a racist take on a well-trained and well-armed black person. The NRA says that the only person who can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Good guys with guns will be black, they will be immigrants, they will be gay, they will be Muslim. They will be us. If the bad guys buy bigger guns, buy us guns bigger than theirs.
3. Repeal and replace Obamacare with the one thing better than Obamacare: a constitutional amendment guaranteeing everyone health care. Health care is not a privilege; it is a right. Make America healthy again.
4. Make American families great again. Decriminalize addiction. Decriminalize drugs. Don’t imprison broken people. Make us better. While you’re on demand number four, see to it that new parents (gay, straight, or trans) get six months paid family leave to take care of their newborn children. Free parents to be parents. Free our communities to raise our children.
5. Make America wealthy again. Don’t listen to establishment politicians when they whisper into your ear, “reduce state spending.” Increase state spending. Blow state spending up. Pump money through the states like oil from the earth. The catch? Invest it in education. Invest it in innovators present, past, and future. Make education accessible and cheap so that our innovators can be novel, maverick, geniuses and their employees will be well-equipped to work those high-skill level jobs and keep up with the economy and NOT fall behind in it.
Donald J. Trump. Make America great again. Heed these five demands. If you do not, then we will expose you. We will make you fear us.
Do not test us. You will fail.